Now I’m reaping the results of a rash decision made when I was consumed with too much excitement, hope and happiness. It’s not that the result was bad per se. It’s me who’s the problem here. I’ve thought too highly of my capacity to live on my own and have overestimated myself. True, I was able to go through 4 yrs. of college, only seeing my parents once or twice each year which made me believe I would be able to pull this off; working from a far away place with no family or relatives by my side.
As expected, I became a disaster. The loneliness and sadness are too much to bear. I became desperate to be freed from the commitment I made in good faith to someone who has been so good to me since the very first time we’ve met. My decision has made me into a selfish and coward girl. Selfish and coward – adjectives I have tried so hard not to associate myself with but I still ended up being one.
Now I’m trapped. Conflicted between what my heart and mind says. Should I stay and suffer some more just to stay true to the commitment I have made? Or be selfish just this once and free myself from the trap I have unfortunately made?